I’m a bit miffed. Feeling a bit cheesed off really. I’ve just been to see the psychotherapist.
He doesn’t know when the group therapy is going to start – he doesn’t have enough people yet. So it could be months… Today he asked me some more in-depth questions. Brought up stuff I haven’t really thought about or talked about for a while. And it made me cry. And then feel a bit cheesed off with the world.
I feel a bit cheated. Cheated of everything I could have achieved. Everything I could have done. Because this stoopid depression stood in the way. The things I *did* manage to achieve, I did DESPITE the depression. And yes, it’s not a bad list. I got my degree (useless though it was and completely not what I wanted to do), I managed to get myself sorted financially and I managed to set up home in another part of the country. But I’m still not satisfied.
I look at Facebook and it sometimes depresses me. All those people who have managed to achieve what I dreamed of. I hardly ever ask to be ‘friends’ with someone I remember from school / college or university. I never think they’ll remember me. Why would they? I was never worthy of their attention at school or college, so why would now be any different? And you know what REALLY pisses me off? The bullies. The stupid idiots who made my life hell at school. But I can’t say that I beat them. I can’t say that I proved them wrong, because I didn’t. I never really got away from them.
I feel like a complete failure. I know that in the eyes of some I am not. But everything is relative. I shall be watching the Olympics with a mixture of sadness and interest. I could have been there. (not as an athlete, but as a linguist) 10 years will have changed Beijing immeasurably. I feel like I’ve missed the boat and it’s too late to go back.
Today I am missing my life as it could have been..