I’m a bit miffed. Feeling a bit cheesed off really. I’ve just been to see the psychotherapist.

He doesn’t know when the group therapy is going to start – he doesn’t have enough people yet. So it could be months… Today he asked me some more in-depth questions. Brought up stuff I haven’t really thought about or talked about for a while. And it made me cry. And then feel a bit cheesed off with the world.

I feel a bit cheated. Cheated of everything I could have achieved. Everything I could have done. Because this stoopid depression stood in the way. The things I *did* manage to achieve, I did DESPITE the depression. And yes, it’s not a bad list. I got my degree (useless though it was and completely not what I wanted to do), I managed to get myself sorted financially and I managed to set up home in another part of the country. But I’m still not satisfied.

I look at Facebook and it sometimes depresses me. All those people who have managed to achieve what I dreamed of. I hardly ever ask to be ‘friends’ with someone I remember from school / college or university. I never think they’ll remember me. Why would they? I was never worthy of their attention at school or college, so why would now be any different? And you know what REALLY pisses me off? The bullies. The stupid idiots who made my life hell at school. But I can’t say that I beat them. I can’t say that I proved them wrong, because I didn’t. I never really got away from them.

I feel like a complete failure. I know that in the eyes of some I am not. But everything is relative. I shall be watching the Olympics with a mixture of sadness and interest. I could have been there. (not as an athlete, but as a linguist) 10 years will have changed Beijing immeasurably. I feel like I’ve missed the boat and it’s too late to go back.

Today I am missing my life as it could have been..

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4 Responses to Therapy

  1. Spudgy says:

    but you have such a bright future ahead!

  2. Dad says:

    The past is the past Angel and nothing can change it. It is time to forget it for good and just look forward of whan can still be. You did accomplish a hell of a lot under the circumstances and the bullies of this world are probably enjoying themselves cleaning public lavs or lining up with there 16 kids to collect there child benefit etc, before going back to the council house to sit in front of the telly.
    One important thing to remember is that it is never too late to do anything you want, look at me for instance going back to college at 47 for a NEBS management diploma and getting it, ha-ha, still waiting for a job as a manager but I understand business a lot more because of it.
    The London olympics is in 2012 and there will be thousands of Russians and Chinese looking for your services, maybe.
    Love always. Dad. xxxx

  3. sandy says:

    Hey gurl,
    I can totally relate to the way you are feeling right now, i was in that space not too long ago. I did a lot of work with myself in personal developement and group therapy type thing for a year and while it was hard and draining it has helped me deal with the life challenges that face me now and i realise i am such a strong person that i never thought i was.
    Now not all days are rosey as you know yourself.

    Like you i got through college, got a job and did all those things. I never let depression bring me all the way down, sometimes i wish it had. But it didn’t and i am stronger for it.

    You are a strong person, you have been through a lot, you have got your life together,you are a wonderful person, look at the beautiful comment your Dad has left above.

    It does take a lot of work, the one thing i learned is to try and leave the past behind me, while it is a part of me it is not who i am now. I have learned to forgive and move on which has also helped.

    I wish you the best of wishes.

  4. Sarsparilla says:

    You have the sort of inner strength I admire utterly. You got yourself through a hell of a lot, and you live in a beautiful place, with a beautiful woman, and you are still one of the kindest people I ever met. Not one of those bullies has that to their name.
    This is a mind-created emotion, not a symptom of failure; and this too will pass.

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