Well. Where to start? Despite everything seemingly going well for me lately – and it is – I am still pretty much a mess if I’m going to be honest.
Poor K is having to put up with me crying constantly, getting moody for no reason and just being no fun whatsoever.
When I went to the Doctor the other day, I asked for a referral for some ‘therapy’. I know I’ll have to wait at least 6 months to see if I’m accepted for treatment. But at least I’ve made a start. I can’t go on being in a mood all the time. On top of this, I’m constantly worried that K is going to get so sick of it all, she’s going to up and leave. And I wouldn’t blame her. I’m a nightmare to live with.
Maybe it’s the fact that things are going well now that is making me more depressed. Maybe the fact that I have less to worry about is giving me time to think about all of those things that I haven’t actually dealt with. I’m no longer constantly worrying whether I’ll be able to buy enough food for the month, or whether I’ll be able to pay my gas bill. I’m no longer counting every single penny and waiting for payday. I’m no longer spending every spare minute on the internet trying to make friends. I’m no longer worrying about what would happen if I fell over and banged my head on a Friday. (as K would notice if I wasn’t around) I’m actually doing well, and have even managed to build up some savings. And all this is wonderful. And I don’t want to whinge. But maybe this is now the time to start dealing with some of my demons.
Today I just had to hide from the world. I declared my mental health problems when I applied for my current job, so they are aware that sometimes I’m a bit useless. And my boss is flexible and understanding. So I’m very lucky in that way. If I don’t do my job, it doesn’t get done. So it doesn’t matter what hours I keep – as long as the job gets done nothing else really matters. I’m just scared that if I start delving into things now, I’ll end up just in a puddle of useless crying and not be able to do my job.
Anyway. I’m just pondering. Using the blog as a way to get my thoughts out there. Maybe I’ll have to start being a bit more honest from now on.