Silly silly me…

Another long gap between posts again. I seem to just have a block recently. And I’ve been busy trying to look for new cars. And selling mine. I did sell my lovely little car and got it picked up before my insurance on it ran out. That was a relief! I used the money to enjoy myself at Brighton Pride, get some shopping and just general bills n stuff.

I’ve been looking on ebay for another car but not had any luck yet. I HAVE seen one I would really like, but I’m waiting for the seller to get back to me about going to look at it. I’m hoping I can buy it this weekend..

In other news.. Well, I’ve been off work this week. Again. I got really really sunburned on Saturday. All over my face. By Monday I was blistered and peeling and my face had swelled up so that I could hardly see. My eyes were just small slits. I couldn’t drive and it was painful just staring at a computer screen. So I have been ‘working from home’ this week. *sigh*

I’m supposed to be working from home for the next 2 weeks as I’ll be on call (due to the regular person being on holiday). Which means another 2 weeks away from the office. I’m worried that my boss is going to sack me. That Head office are gonna get flustered about it. That I’ll be surplus to requirements. I’m all anxious. Have been for a few months now. I dread going into work on a Monday. Look forward to Fridays. Have not been very productive at all. Everything keeps changing. Every time I go to a training course, or another email from Head Office comes through, it tells me that I’ve been doing things wrong and that I have to change. That I *should* be doing this and that. I mean – yeah – I wanna do a good job. But I also want to have a life goddamit!

There is a huge amount of responsibility for one person to take on. And I’m constantly feeling like I’m useless and doing a really bad job and that I’m letting people down. So I end up not being able to get into work. Taking another sick day. Or working from home another day. Then getting panicked and nervous about the time I’m taking off.

Some weeks, I’ll leave the house at quarter to eight and then not be home until well after 7pm every night. And it’s not just administrative stuff I am doing. This is stuff that affects REAL people. REAL situations. Do I tell the police this? Should I pass this to Social Services? Did I do that Risk Assessment correctly? Is there something I missed out? Did I protect / stand up for my agents enough? Have I given enough positive feedback or are they going to go into a depressive spiral thinking that they’re useless because things haven’t worked out? Am I checking up and supporting the agents enough? Do I have enough money to sustain the service? Have I written that service report to Head Office? Have I protected everyone from a lawsuit? This is about 30% of my job. The rest is going out and visiting people. Building and maintaining a database. Filing. Going to meetings.

To be honest. Recently, it’s just too much. I feel like I can never do enough. Never be good enough. I work for a charity. We can’t afford to just ‘hire’ someone else to help. Unless I go out and get someone to give us some more money, there’s no way of reducing the workload.

And I’m looking for a car to be able to do my job properly. And I have a painful head and a flaky face. And I’m tired. And I’ve put on stacks of weight since I gave up smoking. And I really really want a cigarette :(

This entry was posted in Mental health, Quitting Smoking, random, Work. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Silly silly me…

  1. Spudgy says:

    Think you may be taking work a little to seriously! You can only do what you can – you do a crackin job as it is……..take the most important things on the ‘To Do’ list and work your way through it – thats how I manage. :-)

  2. Vanessa says:

    Yeah, what Spudgy said. I used to work in a ‘vocation’ type job, and there’s a danger therein – nothing you do is ever or will ever be enough to solve everybody’s problems. Your JOB, therefore, is to juggle, to make sure you’re never failing at the same thing twice in a row. It’s inevitable, when you’re under-resourced, that you’re always failing at something – nature of the beast – and that can be hard for a perfectionist personality to live with. But it’s a permanent feature of some jobs, not something you can change – therefore it’s not something you can crucify yourself about, babe, really it isn’t. It’s their problem, not yours. Just do what you can, and learn to sit back and think about how a real cowboy idiot would do it worse than you.

    And I also know what it’s like to not go in, then have that snowball into being nervous of stepping back on the treadmill – it’s best to just holdyour nose and dive in – once you’re there, there will be so much to do that you don’t think aobut being nervous any more. At home, you have too much space to be worried about it. But you can fall out of the habit of working and of socialising, and that’s a bad thing. I suggest you try to get back to it when you can. It’s good for you (wags finger).

    And you gave up the noxious weed! Go you! What a superstar you are. Good luck with maintaining it – don’t worry about the weight, that’s temporary, whereas the good you just did your heart, and your old age, that’s lasting.
    ‘Ray Pillows! :)

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