All Change

So it’s three months later and I’ve just read through the last few blog entries. I’m heartened that they’re not actually as depressing and self indulgent as I’d feared. They’re just honest.

Lots has changed and lots has happened. I’m still just as emotional (and I think I always will be), but now the emotions are more positive.

So what has happened over the last few months?

I’ve learned to be comfortable and content by myself
I hesitate to use the word ‘happy’, only because I’m someone who needs people. I like to have human connections – chat to people in real life and meet for coffee. As hard as I find social situations, I know I long for them and do so much better when I see friends. However, I’m content on my own. I genuinely am.

I’ve lost weight
It has been a struggle for years to lose weight. I lost over 5 stones once, but then I put it all back on. Through Therapy, I learned how to deal with that huge empty hole I was trying to fill with food. I learned other ways of coping with that and reducing its destructive effect. Don’t get me wrong – I still comfort eat at times (who doesn’t??) – but I don’t feel a desperate need to fill that empty hole any more. I feel better, I look better and I’ve begun to get my confidence back. The weight is coming off slowly, but I’m really happy with that.

I’ve started playing and singing in public – and I’m busy!
All my life, I never had the confidence to play my guitar (or piano) and sing in public. In the next 2 weeks, I have 4 gigs booked. I’ve been pretty much constantly busy since May, and most of them I’ve been asked to do after someone has heard me play somewhere else. A couple of weeks ago, I got to do a whole set of mainly my own songs. I did 1 cover in the whole set and even that was completely changed to my own style. I’m starting to enjoy it now and am even inviting friends to come and see me play! Who would have believed that only a year ago?? (not me – that’s for sure!)

I’m writing lots of new material
I’m averaging 2-3 new songs a month and they’re almost all songs I’m happy to perform too. Songwriting is where I started to practice being honest again. Everything I’m feeling goes into a song. They’re honest and heartfelt and they’re completely me. I think I’ve written more than 20 songs since the end of January and I have no intention of stopping. I’ve even started to tell people that these are my own songs when I perform them at gigs. I’m working on explaining what they’re all about, but then that makes me feel a bit more vulnerable and I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet! And also people interpret those songs in different ways and I don’t want to stop that.

I’m being myself and I’m happy
I have been isolated and lonely and so I’ve had to make the effort to make friends. And the good thing about this is that I can be choosy. I don’t *have* to be friends with people I don’t like or who I can’t be myself with. It’s not as if I’m going to lose anything by not pursuing a friendship with someone. So I have made friends with good people. People I can be myself with. There ARE good people in the world. I just needed to be in the right place to accept that. I needed to be myself to find those connections. And right now I’m really happy. I’m excited about the future, I’m excited about life and I’m so proud of myself for everything I’ve learned and taken from both therapy and my life experiences after that.

Life is different. Life is great, and life is exciting. I’m realistic and I know I’ll have hard times and I will struggle at times. But I’m self aware, I know my triggers, and I know how to talk about it. I think I have a great group of friends and people to talk to and I’m gonna be okay. No, not okay. I’m gonna be AWESOME.

This entry was posted in bpd, Friends, Generic Update, Happy, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

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