Big week

So this week has been a big one. And I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m overtired, which means I’m not sleeping properly. I need a nap, but I need a nap buddy for that!

It started last week really. It’s 4 months since the breakup and it’s like that milestone was coming at me like a freight train. And I did crumble a little bit. I saw her three times last week – each time in her car – and I know she saw me too at least once. The first two times, I had a panic attack. The third time, I was okay.

I spoke to a very good friend and just being able to talk about it honestly really helped. About the fact that I was still avoiding things and places because I was in fear of her. In fear of what – I don’t know! But I still had that fear.

But after talking to my friend, everything just seemed to change. I woke up the next day and I wasn’t scared any more. I wasn’t thinking about her all the time, and I was looking forwards instead of back at the past.

A few days later, I went to somewhere new and I performed on stage for the first time ever. A few of my good friends were there to support me and it felt great! This is something I never would have done if I’d stayed with Her. I never had the time to practice amongst other things. This was MASSIVE for me. I’ve been writing songs since I was 16 and sitting in my room playing guitar by myself for longer. I’m 38 now and it has taken all that time to build the confidence to get up on stage and perform. All of that time to deal with my mental health issues, my body issues and my confidence and just do it.

And now I’m on the come down. I’m sitting in my flat on a bank holiday weekend and I’m lonely. A couple of friends have texted and asked how I am, and I either just avoid the question and don’t answer it, or I say I’m okay. Because I guess in the grand scheme of things, I *am* okay. I know that this will pass in a few days and that I’ll be fine again. It just sucks right now.

But overall, I’m in a good place and good things are happening. And the fact that I can see that, through every shitty thing I’m feeling, is a success.

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