I spoke to a friend last night. One of the friends that I hadn’t been ‘allowed’ to talk to when I was with my ex. It made me think; about who I am, who I want to be, and who I used to be. And the one thing that people have always commented on was my honesty. I was always honest online and in my blogs. And I guess I was to an extent in real life too. But I have lost that over the last few years. With therapy making me question everything, and an ex who told me my truth was ‘weird’ and offputting, I just stopped being so open.
I was always a little socially awkward in real life, but having to hold back and not be honest has made me even more awkward. I don’t know whether my honesty was a symptom of my bpd (I refuse to give it capital letters – it will NOT define me), and some unconscious attempt at gaining attention or whether it really is just part of who I am.
I have, for a long time, believed that being honest is not just for my own benefit, but I’d be speaking up for other people who didn’t have the opportunity or the strength to do it themselves. Sometimes you have to BE the change you want to see in the world.
I am a strong woman and I am intelligent. Yet I was *still* vulnerable and ended up in an abusive relationship. I was told that blogging was a pathetic attempt to garner attention, sympathy and was just moaning. I was told that if I blogged again, my relationship would end. I was told that being open and honest made me look weird and odd and that people would think I’m weird. And that she ‘wasn’t interested in that’. And the thing is, before this relationship I would not have cared so much if people thought I was weird because I KNEW that there were people who appreciated my honesty. However, I became so isolated that I couldn’t see past what she was saying.
My current truth is that I’m struggling to remember who I am and what I believe in. I’m still trying to work out what was true and what was lies. I’m lonely and isolated and sometimes I just want someone to tell me I’m not such a bad person – and for me to be able to believe them. I’d love to have a friend who could pop round for coffee or who could meet me in town for lunch. I’d love to have someone nearby who knows me.
And I know it will take time, and that I will get there. At the moment, I’m clinging on to the only thing that has been forever constant: music. I hug my guitar and I sing to let it all out. And I think about being honest again. Maybe one day soon I’ll start….