Well, today has been crap. Outwardly it has been a success; we got up, ate something resembling breakfast, got to playgroup, ate lunch, went outside, ate dinner and did bedtime. How can I possibly say that today was a failure?
Because, in my mind, it was.
I let him watch too much tv. I let him play games on the tablet. I gave him two biscuits. I had to remove him from the singing session at playgroup because he was giving moving cuddles to smaller children and then kicking others.
I had to remove him from the garden for throwing stones.
He had a complete meltdown at bedtime.
I feel like the shittiest parent.
I have felt empty all day and have started to panic. By empty I mean the beginnings of that bpd empty. Where it starts by feeling numb and disconnected. Then is interspersed with anger and the almost overwhelming desire to just scream at the top of my lungs.
Today I actually thought about suicide again. I was out in the sunshine with LO and just felt completely hopeless and like there was no point to my life. I know, logically, that that isn’t true. And I know that as long as I have the smallest shred of sanity left, I would never do it.
But I’m starting to panic that my sanity is leaving me. I feel like I’m spiralling downwards into a pit of anger and hopelessness. And I’m trying to eat it away whilst at the same time trying to lose weight so I can wear my one and only suit to a wedding next month. I am sabotaging myself and i don’t know why.
I’m trying so so hard to avoid pressing that self destruct button. And I’ve done so well so far. I’m just not sure how much longer I can resist.