Confessions

1. I still miss you. More than you would  believe. Especially given how often you declared that my love was not real; it couldn’t be as deep and true as yours because I had a mental health diagnosis and the internet told you I was a fraud.

2. I look at your Facebook page every day. I say goodnight to you that way. I want you to be doing well.  To be happy and successful. But really I’m waiting (and will be forever) for an acknowledgement of the way you treated me. I know it will never come, but I have hope anyway.

3. There are still a few of your hairs in the plug hole in the bath. I’ve left them there because as weird as it sounds, it feels like there’s still a part of you here. Like you haven’t completely left. Like maybe I still matter to you.

4. The teddy I bought you that you gave me back: Sometimes i take it out of the box I put it in and sniff it because it still smells of your house. When I’m missing your hugs, I  bury my face in its fur and drink in the memories.

5. Sometimes I put my ring back on. The one you bought me.  We unknowingly bought each other the same ring one Christmas, nervously handing them over in disguised packaging, with plenty of ‘if you don’t like it or think it’s weird, that’s cool.’  It was my lasting  connection to you every time you dumped me.  And it still is.  I don’t want the ring mark on my finger to completely disappear yet so I put the ring back on now and again.

6. Everything in my life has you in it.  EVERYTHING. The shoes I wear were a present from you; you knew I would never spend that much money on myself.  You took me to get my car. You bought clothes and gifts for my son that he still plays with – and he remembers that they were from you.  The pyjamas I’m wearing were a gift from you. The unit in the lounge you helped me build. The sofa you helped set up.  The bag you laughed at me for. The hats you hated. The socks you borrowed. The music we listened to.  All of it just makes me think of you.

7. I’m lonely without you.  I told you everything, even though you never believed that.  I shared everything with you. I didn’t see anyone else or do anything else.  It was more trouble than it was worth trying to make or see friends.  They had to meet your approval and I had to send you pictures before you would be okay with it. I’m isolated and alone and I miss sharing my day with you.

8. I still think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.  And I still fancy you.  After everything. All the lies and the manipulation and the control.  All the dumping and the insults and the accusations. After all that and more, I still only ever want you.

9. I still hope for contact.  That you’ll email me or text me or reach out in some way.  Just so I know I mattered to you. That you didn’t just discard me so easily and move on.

10. I’m still scared of you. You never hit me and you never threatened to, but I’m still inexplicably scared.  Your voice is still in my head. Telling me how awkward and weird I am and how everyone thinks I’m odd.  How anyone else would have walked away but you were staying as long as I worked on my many issues. I still stop myself from doing things because you would be upset. Like making a new friend or reconnecting with an old one. Like wearing perfume when I’m not seeing you or trying a new social activity without you.

11. As much as I want you, we can never be together. I have a son to protect and as low as my self worth is, he is definitely worth more. And I would never put him through the mind games and abuse you put me through. I was strong enough to walk away for him.  And I will be strong enough to stay away because of him.

I love you.  I will always love you.  But you are an emotionally abusive woman. You manipulated me and confused me until I didn’t even know my own mind.

 

12. I am stronger than you.

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