Steps

Its 1.30am and Im on the sofa eating toast because I cant sleep. Im at the point where Im so exhausted that my vision is blurred, but I still cant sleep. Everything is just going round and round in my head and I cant seem to stop thinking, cant seem to settle tonight.

Id stay in my room and relax ,but I havent finished decorating my bedroom yet, so Im on the futon wedged into the box room along with most of the furniture from my (being decorated) bedroom. Its a catch-22 situation. Im exhausted so dont have the energy for decorating, yet Im exhausted partly because Im on the futon and Im on the futon because I havent finished decorating my room yet. I dont have much left to do, but I just do not have the energy or the stamina.

And thinking about the decorating, I realise that I havent really stopped for the last couple of weeks. Ive spent so much time cramming in things to do that I just havent had a day when Ive sat down, vegged out and just let myself be. Ive been trying so hard to recover and get back to normal that I havent really gone through the recovery process. Ive just been distracting myself. And maybe thats why this evening everything just seems so. complicated.

Sometimes I wish that I could write on here about whats *really*going on. But people deserve privacy and its not my place to blog about things that involve other people. But the basic story is that Im moving on from a very intense period and coming out of the other side is causing confusion and upset. Every step forwards I take, takes me further away from everything I wanted and clung onto before my breakdown. It makes me doubt who I am, what I stand for and what I want to do with my life.

I know that I need to become content in my own company, that I need to be able to spend time alone and that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be better and back to normal. But to do that, I need to spend time just being and not distracting myself. And I need to finish decorating my room first before I go crazy at all the clutter everywhere. (All of my stuff stored in every spare space upstairs). Maybe then I will know really how far I have come and whether Im ready to move on, go back to work and start to reevaluate things.

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