Breaking it down

I feel the need to blog. So thats what Im doing. I havent been here for a long time. People I know read this blog and so its not as easy to be as honest as I have been in the past. However, this is like therapy for me, so Im going to use it. If you know me and you want to know more or ask any questions, then please contact me and ask them.

Now thats out of the way, here goes.

I had a breakdown. A couple of weeks ago everything just got on top of me. Everything that has happened over the past year just all took over and I was left in a puddle on the floor. I called my GP for help and he told me to go to AE and speak to the psychiatric liaison officer, who recommeded I be admitted to a mental health unit. Ispent two nights there and never want to go back again. After that, I was on the caseload of the Crisis and home treatment team and went to day centre every day for a week. At the end of that week, I was told that I couldnt go there any more and had to be transferred to a different area mental health team. Since then, Ive had a couple of phone calls and Ive had to battle the mental health team and my gp to get the medication I need. I have just been left to my own devices.

So thats where I am now, and I feel a little bit lost. Im trying to make new friends and Im trying to get back into my photography, going outside, getting dressed every day and all of that stuff, but it just isnt really helping. Im off work as there is no way Id be able to concentrate enough to work. I can manage to get through the day ok as long as I dont start talking about anything that matters. As soon as that happens, I start crying. There are big issues I need to work through and deal with but I need some help to do that and Im not getting that help at the moment from the mental health team. Im trying to keep myself busy, but I cant concentrate on anything. They put me on some new medication on the Psychiatric ward and it causes agitation. And its AWFUL. I wake up really ealy every day no matter what time I go to bed, Icant concentrate on anything and Im constantly agitated. But can I get to see a psychiatrist to get this reviewed? Can I hell! And the GP cant do anything as the medication was prescribed by a psychiatrist. Catch-22.

Today I went to someones house for sunday lunch with a group of very new friends. I was so touched to be invited as Id only met them once and felt very grateful to be there. I was feeling very nervous about going and spending so much time in a social situation with people I dont know, but I managed and they are a lovely group of ladies. Very welcoming and chatty. But Im suffering today from a total lack of self esteem. I wasnt sure of my outfit, my hair, my face, my jeans, my shoes. Everything. I had that whole feeling that I was being really annoying and a know it all. That I was just this really annoying (big)person in the corner just being weird. I gave someone a lift there and back and I was really nervous chatting. Trying to make sure I keep boundaries and dont appear like Im coming on to them but also that Im not being stand offish. I cant just be myself right now, because I dont really know who I am. Thats one of the issues I need to work on.

Today Id just like some hugs. Some attention, affection and some reassurance. It feels pathetic to want that, but it is what it is.

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