I always seem to start my posts with “I’m not really sure what to write really…”. I thought that maybe I should actually post one of these and just see what happens.
Things have been going ok for me recently. Not brilliantly, but I’ve been coping alright with everything. I’ve been attending therapy every week and I have made some significant changes when it comes to my mental health. I have started to change the way I respond to things and to finally learn to express my feelings when they happen and not dwell on things and bury them. And this is all very well and good, but it does cause its own problems. Mainly with other people.
It all came out recently. A lot of hurt and sadness. And I tried to talk to the person concerned. THey really really matter to me and I wanted everything to be alright. I wanted to be able to express myself, but be able to have a conversation about this. I wanted to have a relationship where we both got what we needed and the support didn’t only go one way. And it didn’t work. What I’d dreaded for over 20 years actually happened. The only difference is that I’m more able to deal with it now. I couldn’t have done that 20 years ago. Even 5 years ago. I’ve lost someone important to me, and that hurts. And I’m really sad about it. Today I went somewhere I had been with this person in the past. It had been a special occasion and we visited a few places. It really hurt to go there today. To see the places we went and know that I don’t have that relationship any more and that I probably never will again.
It hurts and it makes me sad. And I’m still at that stage where I cry when I think about it. I’m crying now. But I know that will pass. It just takes time.
I’m grateful to the people who have given me the space and the time to express myself and talk all of this through. It doesn’t stop me being sad, but it helps to know that you are there if I want to talk.