Square One

I’ve been avoiding the blog. I’ve been avoiding personal posts on Twitter and Facebook. I’ve been avoiding seeing people.

Remember that really successful diet I went on? Well, I’ve put all of the weight back on again. I am back at square one. And I HATE myself for it. I don’t know what happened (well, apart from the obvious overdose on cake bit). Why did I do it to myself? I had everything I wanted – fitness, a body that didn’t disgust me, and confidence. And I threw it all away.

I avoid people I haven’t seen for a while. I am constantly conscious of the fact that people see me and wonder what has happened. I can see the pitying looks. Nothing fits any more. I’m uncomfortable. I sit all day with my coat on so my belly is hidden. My back hurts, my feet hurt and I have absolutely NO confidence. Which is a bit rubbish seeing as I have to look for a new job.

I have been unable to cycle for months. Last time I did cycle, I ended up having to push the damned thing half way to work because the back wheel broke. It’s fixed now, but there’s still the issue of me carrying too much in my panniers. But that’s an anxiety thing I need to deal with somehow.

But the point of this blog is that I’m starting a new diet tomorrow. A new, meal replacement diet. For the minute, it’s the only way I can see me going. I need to reeducate my stomach. I need to take food out of the equation so I can deal with why I’m so messed up about food. You don’t get to this size just by ‘eating a bit too much cake’. There is OBVIOUSLY something wrong. Yes, I have PCOS and hypothyroidism, but it’s no excuse. PCOS goes away when I’m slimmer.

So I’m a little excited and a little nervous about starting the new diet tomorrow. I need to do something if only to give me confidence and some hope. I’m really stressed out about lots of things and maybe this is just a way of taking control of something. I don’t know.

But there you go. I haven’t been to see you because I’m really fat. I haven’t shown you any photos of me because I’m really fat. I’m not coming to your party because i’m really fat. I’m not coming to see you because I’m really fat. Not overweight. Not baby fat. I’m ‘stared at in the street, sweaty, morbidly obese fat’.

So there you go. It’s out in the open.

Time for some more cake before tomorrow then..

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6 Responses to Square One

  1. Sarsparilla says:

    If I could magically convince you of how wonderful you are, I would do it in a flash.
    I found similar issues when I first lost a lot of weight. I discovered there were all sorts of reasons that deep down inside I felt that I didn’t deserve to be a certain size, unlike others. I never found out how to destroy those feelings, but knowing they are there gives us a lot more power in the fight against them.

    You will always be enough lemonypillows, whether you’re 4 stone or 40 stone. I wish I could tell you that in a way that you can hear.

  2. Lemonpillows says:

    Sarsparilla – you are very very sweet. Thank you. I’m also hoping I can find a way to fight against them. I’m looking into private therapy (when I can afford it) as a possible option. So fingers crossed!

    Big big hugs to you xxx

  3. Sarah says:

    When I think of you I think of a very talented linguist, who uses words with wit and wisdom, and a gifted and sensitive musician and artist. Nothing can take that away. What you look like doesn’t matter to your friends who love you for being you, not for being fat or thin. You deserve to be happy and healthy and at peace with yourself. Facing this demon and talking about it is an extremely courageous and positive thing to do, and a massive step forward. You should be really proud of yourself. There will be good days and bad days on this journey. Rejoice in the good and learn from the bad, but don’t punish yourself. Make peace with yourself, be kind to yourself, and be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. xxx

  4. Sarsparilla says:

    I agree! You are a very talented woman. I’d add photographer to that list, your last lot of photos made me feel warm inside, yet want to cry.

    What weight you are matters less than this feeling inside that cherishing yourself is not for you. I don’t think you would be so cruel to another person as you can be to yourself. Can you not try being as kind to yourself as you are to strangers?

  5. Kahless says:

    I hope u r ok.

  6. Virginia says:

    Have you had your thyroid levels checked?! I’m having all sorts of ups and downs with mine. Everytime its not quite right I put on weight (took me neatly 6 months) last year and the doctors just looked at me as if I eat chips and crap all the time!I’ve lost the extra I put on but it doesnt stop the looks from people, whom even though you tell them whats wrong they choose to ignore. My thyroid went a bit funny again before xmas and I put on over half a stone but have managed to lose it again. If you can do a bit of research and keep the thyroid thing in mind….it does make life more difficult than it need be. Hugs

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