I’ve been avoiding the blog. I’ve been avoiding personal posts on Twitter and Facebook. I’ve been avoiding seeing people.
Remember that really successful diet I went on? Well, I’ve put all of the weight back on again. I am back at square one. And I HATE myself for it. I don’t know what happened (well, apart from the obvious overdose on cake bit). Why did I do it to myself? I had everything I wanted – fitness, a body that didn’t disgust me, and confidence. And I threw it all away.
I avoid people I haven’t seen for a while. I am constantly conscious of the fact that people see me and wonder what has happened. I can see the pitying looks. Nothing fits any more. I’m uncomfortable. I sit all day with my coat on so my belly is hidden. My back hurts, my feet hurt and I have absolutely NO confidence. Which is a bit rubbish seeing as I have to look for a new job.
I have been unable to cycle for months. Last time I did cycle, I ended up having to push the damned thing half way to work because the back wheel broke. It’s fixed now, but there’s still the issue of me carrying too much in my panniers. But that’s an anxiety thing I need to deal with somehow.
But the point of this blog is that I’m starting a new diet tomorrow. A new, meal replacement diet. For the minute, it’s the only way I can see me going. I need to reeducate my stomach. I need to take food out of the equation so I can deal with why I’m so messed up about food. You don’t get to this size just by ‘eating a bit too much cake’. There is OBVIOUSLY something wrong. Yes, I have PCOS and hypothyroidism, but it’s no excuse. PCOS goes away when I’m slimmer.
So I’m a little excited and a little nervous about starting the new diet tomorrow. I need to do something if only to give me confidence and some hope. I’m really stressed out about lots of things and maybe this is just a way of taking control of something. I don’t know.
But there you go. I haven’t been to see you because I’m really fat. I haven’t shown you any photos of me because I’m really fat. I’m not coming to your party because i’m really fat. I’m not coming to see you because I’m really fat. Not overweight. Not baby fat. I’m ‘stared at in the street, sweaty, morbidly obese fat’.
So there you go. It’s out in the open.
Time for some more cake before tomorrow then..