Despicable

My blog is more anonymous than Twitter or Facebook so I thought I’d post here. I need to get it out.

This is a bad one. It had lasted overall week already and it’s getting worse. I hate myself. I despise what I have become.  A fat, lazy, pathetic mess. Every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I want to.punch myself in the head. And the worst thing of all is that I have totally done it all to myself.

I am surprised at the level of self loathing and pure anger I am feeling at myself. This is not normal. And my depression is just spiralling downwards in a swirl of chocolate, crap and tv. Once again I am not coping. But I need to cope as i need to both work and keep a reputation. My job goes to part time in july. I won’t be able to manage on the money. But at the moment I am incapable of getting a new job or any extra work. Catch 22. Depression amd job situation make each other worse.

I have no ideas at the moment. I’m well and truly stuck. :’(

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4 Responses to Despicable

  1. Spudgy says:

    Wtfudge…….whats started this off?!Things seemed to be tripping along nicely

  2. Lemonpillows says:

    No idea really. That’s what’s so annoying :(

  3. Sarsparilla says:

    1. Really big hugs to you.
    2. Your work situation is really stressful – you HAVE to give yourself a little bit of slack, it’s hard enough to deal with that without dealing with an angry enemy (you) on top of it.
    3. You know that managing your weight is 99% psychological, right? You must have worked that out. The whole thing of radically changing who you appear to be to other people is enormously unnerving for us and for people around us. Bear that in mind, because it means you can actually think yourself out of psychological holes when they centre on your weight.
    4. I lost a lot of weight last year, that I needed to get off, for health reasons. However, my health deteriorated and caused me serious amounts of stress. During that time I overate to help myself cope with what life was throwing at me. I put about a stone on, a lot faster than I got it off. Do you think my reaction to that stress is natural, or something I should attack myself viciously for? Is it relatively normal for weight to fluctuate through your life, especially when things are hard?
    5. Is it helpful to hate yourself? If not, can you figure out why you want to attack yourself? Why do you think you have to solve everything? You don’t, you know. You have things you have to do, but you don’t have to solve everything. You can slide by, it’s allowed. We all know you are hardworking, etc etc. Give yourself the room that you would allow to others.
    Please?

  4. gripes says:

    Blogger “Belgian Waffling” has a term for this feeling: facepasta. It’s even made it into the Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=facepasta&defid=5790243). I’ve been having more than my fair share of days like it myself – where it seems as though there isn’t enough sky, or that gravity has somehow got ten times stronger, or that there’s too much noise that just won’t go away…
    No homespun homilies, glib “chin up” bollocks or other useless empty phrases from me – just hope you feel kinder to yourself soon.

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