Understated

I am sitting here on the sofa in my dressing gown. I have not been outside since Saturday.

I am not coping

I went to the Doctor on Friday. I had seen the signs. I had noticed the lack of energy, the need to sleep, the complete lack of engagement and interest in hobbies. The lack of motivation and the constant fear of breaking into tears. I have lost count of the number of times I have cried over the past two weeks.

I am not coping

The Doctor was a young man. He sat opposite me with his legs wide, leaning back, with his hands arched together, and asked me questions about my mental health. I asked for a referral to a therapist, as, going by previous experience, it has been the only thing which has made a significant difference. He asked me what exactly the problem was, what set it off, what thoughts I was having and where this all stemmed from. Then he told me to quadruple the amount of antidepressant I’m currently on.

I took the prescription and took it to the pharmacy. And left the box sitting on my bedside cabinet until today. I have fought long and hard to come off antidepressants and I was on the last stage. The last stage of a VERY long battle. By instantly increasing the pills, it just destroys everything I have worked so hard for. It’s a massive step backwards. And I’ll have to restart the whole reducing the pills process again. I dread the anguish, the emotional pain and the fear that entails. I Do Not Want To Do It Again.

But I’m not coping

So I took the pill.

I went out for a meal on Saturday to celebrate someone’s birthday. Sunday afternoon I became ill. Terrible stomach cramps, runny poo and vomit. Not pleasant. I have been off work for 2 days now and have only just started to eat again. I can’t tell now whether I am still off work because of the stomach bug or the depression. I want to sleep, to escape into tv, to hide.

I am frustrated and disappointed. I know, logically, that this is an illness. That if I had any other physical pain I would take a pill / get some treatment and deal with it. But I still feel guilty for being ill. I have a mountain of work to do and the longer I stay off work, the worse it gets. I have a deadline of next Tuesday for some important work. And sitting at home is not going to get it done.

I feel that I have let everyone down, that I am unreliable and useless and just.. well.. a pain in the ass really. I hate being unreliable. I have commitments now. I have a life. I can’t afford to just disappear into a depression. I can’t afford to take time off work.

But I’m not coping

And I’m not really sure how to rectify that…