I worry that this blog is just going to become a big whinge-fest. Every time I want to blog, it’s when I need to work through something in my head. And that’s usually depressing stuff. But then, sometimes just ‘getting it out there’ helps. I have the blog, so why not use it?
I have realized (yeah – lightbulb moment) why I’m so grumpy recently. It’s because I’ve put on weight. I’m at the point where my most of my ‘new wardrobe’ doesn’t fit properly any more. It’s completely self inflicted – I have chosen to eat crap, and not only that, but to eat it until my stomach hurts and I feel sick. I seem to be consumed by some sort of uncontrollable anger at the moment. And all I want to do is harm myself. so I’m doing it by eating. I can see my achievement and all those new opportunities slipping away with each biscuit I stuff into my mouth. But I don’t seem to be able to stop it. The anger and the need to punish myself seems to be overwhelming at the moment. And I don’t understand it.
I have done well. I’m in a good place. I get regular exercise, I have interests outside of home and work, I am paid enough to pay my bills and I’m in a good relationship. So why am I constantly punishing myself?? And it IS punishment. I was sitting at my desk only a few minutes ago trying to work this out. And that’s when I realized that I could very easily self harm at the moment. I used to use a knife or a razor blade and cut my arms and my legs. Then I MOVED ON. I used to smoke until my lungs hurt instead. Then I MOVED ON. Now I’m eating again. And I realized. I haven’t really moved on at all, have I?
What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so angry at myself? Why am I punishing myself for NO REASON? All I’m doing is sabotaging everything I’ve achieved over the past couple of years.
I have planned to start eating healthily again from Saturday. On Saturday I will be occupied all day with stuff I enjoy doing and so should create a positive link with eating sensibly. I hope.
At the minute, I just don’t know any more. I need to sort myself out. But figuring out how is more difficult than I thought it would be. I thought that once I lost the weight, the maintainence would just be a case of sticking to normal portions, not overeating, listening to my body and only eating when I’m hungry. It’s really not that easy