Hooks and eyelets

Eyelets – opportunities. Things which move my life forward. Achievements. Things that make me smile. I see myself climbing through a series of eyelets, achieving with each one I conquer.

Hooks – the things that hold me back. Emotional hooks. Psychological hooks. Things that, all of a sudden, can take me back to how I was so many years ago. Crying, moody, a wreck.

I was fine today. I was positive and I was looking forward to things. I went to a Martial Arts place last night and watched a class on ‘Guided Chaos’. It’s not a traditional martial art. To be honest, it looks as though everyone has Palsy or is practicing for the slowest slow motion Tai Chi touch-fest ever. But it’s all about learning balance, avoiding blows and avoiding being dragged to the floor etc. It’s pure self defence with none of the ceremonial stuff. It seems like a good way for me to get into martial arts. I can pay per session with no joining fee and the atmosphere was really relaxed there. They do other classes too, which I may look at once I have some basic balance skills. I think I will eventually look at Kickboxing or Tae Kwon Do for fitness and getting out some anger! But ‘Guided Chaos’ looks like a good place to start for me to build up some confidence and a little fitness.

I did go to another place on Tuesday night, but something just didn’t feel right for me. Everyone was very polite and friendly and all students were wearing uniforms. But something just didn’t feel right for me. The difference between that place and the one I’m going to was huge. If I’m honest, I’m not ready for Kickboxing anyway. During christmas I have put on some weight which means that my sports bra no longer fits. It will take me a couple of weeks to slim down into my sports bra (hopefully) before I can even attempt any jumping around. This may seem a minor thing, but it is really worrying to me. At last with the guided chaos thing, there’s no jumping around..

Another positive is that I’m back on a diet. I have decided to do Slimming World. I haven’t been to a class yet, but am just using old books I have from previous classes and doing it myself. I will attend a class at some point as I have some questions and would like to buy the new food directory. My attitude to the diet this time is totally different though. I don’t WANT to cheat. I think one of my problems beforehand was that I was constantly trying to replace my sugary and fatty snacks with low fat versions. This never worked. I’m much more happy now just cutting out refined sugar and rubbish foods. It took a few days to get over the sugar cravings, but now I’m fine. I feel like I might have lost a little weight this week, so i’m keeping my fingers crossed. I almost daren’t weigh myself in case I haven’t lost anything..

So to the hooks.

Despite the positives, I still feel like my mind is falling apart at the moment. I feel guilty about work as I have not been very productive this week at all. I need to write 2 training days (as well as the assessment paperwork) and I have 3 weeks to get the first one done. I am also being paid for extra project work that I have not yet done. I handed in my PTLLS last week and I seem to have so many deadlines for my other project, I haven’t done any work on the second project yet. Although it’s only 3 hours per week, I still feel majorly guilty for it. I feel like I’m scamming my employer and I should give some money back. I’m doing the hours required for both projects, but i’m just filling those extra hours with work from my first project. Even though I’m not actually achieving anything for those hours.. So to me, it feels like they’re paying me for nothing. I KNOW I am a hard worker normally and that I get things done. I KNOW that I’m good at what I do and that I’m totally not doing this on purpose. I just feel so guilty for not being motivated..

Also, even though I’m on a diet again, I’m still unhappy about my weight. I had to start wearing jeans from the next size up again for a while. I’m hoping I can get back into my smaller jeans very soon as that will help me psychologically. I look in the mirror and i’m not happy. I’d like to be back where I was before Christmas. I will be satisfied with that.

And there are things – things from my past which continually rear their heads and bring me down. Every time something comes up, I try really hard to think logically about my reaction, what it means and why I’m reacting that way. I try to step back, repeat the mantra ‘not my problem’, but it’s SO hard. It’s really hard when, in order to save yourself, you have to stop being there for someone else. You have to withdraw a level of support you have always given. It kills me. It is SO hard to choose my own mental health above that of someone you love.

Getting used to looking after myself is really hard. I know that might sound weird, but it’s the truth. When faced with decisions, I have had to learn how to choose what I want, and not just go with what someone else wants. Sometimes, what I want will affect someone else. Decision making has never been my strongest skill. (I’m awful at it. COMPLETELY awful – especially when my decision will affect someone else). I have a few big decisions looming at the moment. I have, so far, buried my head in the sand. I have concentrated on the positives in my life and tried to ignore the big decisions. The big decisions which could – temporarily or permanently – put a stop to all of that. And it’s SO HARD when someone else is waiting on my decision, and my mind keeps changing. But I refuse to be pressured into a big decision before I’m ready. Some decisions need time and thought. Sometimes, it’s best to just stop worrying and ‘do it’. sometimes I do worry too much about stuff and this could stop me from doing things. But other times, it’s sensible to stop. Maybe in my next post I’ll explain about the decisions. But not now.

Anyway. Today was a bit of a bad day. I was positive this morning, but then this afternoon just brought low mental health. I had a few tears, but took a deep breath and carried on. I resisted the urge to binge on cake and crisps (YAY!) so that’s an achievement. I really really need to learn how to deal with these issues though, without them constantly making my world crash down around me.

The need for further therapy is becoming more apparent, I think..

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