Today was confusing. I felt really down for no particular reason.
The day didn’t start off too well. I was meant to get to the bicycle shop for 9am to get my bike in for a half price service. I hit the snooze button too often and so didn’t get there until just before 10am. (I don’t start work until 10am). By that time it was too late to get it serviced and back to me in a day. So I just went straight to work.
I sat at work, unable to be really productive, and just wanted to cry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me at the moment. I seem to have lost all of my confidence and motivation.
The thing is though, that everything is really going well for me at the moment. I do my self defence class twice a week, I volunteer to take photos for the RSPCA once a week, I go to photography class once a week, I have a full time job which covers all the bills with money spare for hobbies and interests. I get regular exercise by cycling to work, I make sure I meet up with friends for coffee on a regular basis and I’m eating healthily. So why on earth do I feel like I’m heading for a crash?? I seem to be getting more and more tired each day that goes by. I’m finding it harder and harder to get out of bed on a morning. This *type* of exhaustion usually means I’m heading for a mental health crash. I was hoping to avoid one for at least another few months..
Maybe it’s just at work that I feel unconfident. Today, I had to rearrange a training course I had booked for next week. There weren’t enough people booked on the course AND I hadn’t finished writing it. I would hate to deliver something that wasn’t of a good standard, so I have rebooked it for next month. That took some pressure off me. And my manager today told me (in supervision), that I was a valued member of the team and that they want to hold on to me. She also said that she probably doesn’t say that kind of thing enough. That was nice, but I was immediately a bit scared. I had put this on my twitter feed earlier today:
Feeling quite down today. Not sure why. In need of motivation and some self confidence.Would be nice4someone2tell me I’m doing a decent job
I worry that she may have found my Twitter feed. Though I’m not *too* bothered about that. I don’t think I’ve said anything on Twitter that I wouldn’t say in person. If I want a rant about work, I’ll use Facebook for that. (I denied her friend request on Facebook and explained that I wouldn’t accept it whilst she was my manager)
I also went to a ‘party’ on Saturday. It wasn’t my kind of party – lots of grown ups standing around talking and drinking – but it was a friend’s 50th and so I wanted to go for her. I’ll be taking photos of her wedding in June so it was a good opportunity to take some practice photos and watch how the couple interact. I got to meet lots of people who will be there in June and I took some nice photographs of the children. I do worry though – the photos I got weren’t great as they were inside in low light and I didn’t use a flash. I suppose I feel a bit of pressure to get good photographs! Well, as long as they work out on the day, I should be ok. I do need to invest in another lens though.. I found the party really hard going. On walking in I felt that awful paralysing fear I used to feel all the time in social situations. I was completely out of my comfort zone and hated it. I decided that I’d stick with the children in the front room rather than interact with the adults in grown up conversation. I ended up spending the evening taking photos of children and explaining the principle of how a camera works to an 8 year old.
I haven’t felt that uncomfortable in a long long time. And it makes me wonder what is going on in my brain at the moment. I have been thinking and thinking and trying to figure out why I’m so down and I can’t pinpoint anything at all. (no – it’s not that time of the month either).
Meh! Maybe it will all be ok in a few weeks,. Maybe I just need a week off work. Or maybe I should just go with the flow and stop worrying about it…