I know, I know. Long time no write (again). I have been so busy at work and at home that I have just not had the time to sit down and write a blog entry. I’m snowed under at work, so there’s no chance of me getting 5 minutes to do an email post.
Anyway. I have some time this evening. And it’s been a bit of a confusing day. But maybe in a good way.
I’ve been sitting at my new desk in the office for quite a few weeks now and I’m getting used to it. First there was me and JJ. We get along ok and I often go out for ‘fresh air breaks’ with her when she goes out for a cigarette. It’s a good chance to get out of the office and have a chat about stuff. Then Spiky moved into our corner too. I helped her move her stuff. I didn’t really know her beforehand, but she’s the one who sent me that lovely email when I didn’t get the manager’s job. She is lovely, and it’s nice to have her in our corner of the office. It feels friendly and ‘safe’.
Anyway. I was away for a week and a half as I went up north for my mum’s birthday. And JJ sent me emails saying that she missed me. (I don’t take any notice really). And when I got back, she was so pleased to see me she gave me a hug. And that was strange. But nice. And today, Spiky and I were out for a fresh air break while JJ had her fag, and she said nice things about me too. She said that I was lovely. And very patient. They were talking about my new manager and how she has lots of ideas, but then doesn’t think about the details and problems. (health & safety etc). That I say something like ‘yes, that’s a good idea, but how would X work with that?’ THen the manager will say ‘Yes, I get your point. Good point.’ And then the cycle starts again. (she sits opposite me, behind a divider so we kinda talk over the divider a lot). Spiky said she felt a little sorry for me lol. (but they don’t like the new manager – I’ll call her Tea.)
So that was that. And I’m just really unsure about Tea (new manager). I WANT to trust her. I WANT to share things with her because she seems alright and really positive and supportive. But then, she’s not my friend, she’s my manager. And I don’t quite trust her. I don’t like her friends. I don’t trust them. So by association, I don’t trust her. And I have also heard so many stories about things that she has done that make me uneasy. She is also the kind of person who knows EVERYTHING that is going on in the office. She just gets ALL the gossip. And she tells me. (which I quite like. I DO love a good gossip.) But some things make me uneasy. She received an email from another professional which was positive about something she had done. (and something which she had had an argument with another manager about). She then forwarded this email to her former manager (senior in our team), another senior manager and the manager who she’d had an argument with. (just so he’d look stupid and it would prove her point that she was right). Fair enough, the other manager (my former manager actually) seems to have been in the wrong. BUt I didn’t like how she rubbed his nose in it there and it makes me uneasy. I feel like I should say something.
She has told me things about my previous manager (Deekay) which I didn’t know. Which are highly unprofessional of him and could get him into a lot of trouble. (things he has done – some he has admitted to and some not). It’s a bit strange hearing all of this because for years I just thought that it was only me who found it difficult. Everyone else seemed to love him. And now, apparently, his new team all hate him because he doesn’t do any work. (I could have told them that). She said that it was ‘obvious to everyone’ that I was carrying the service. I’m not sure whether to believe that though. I don’t *trust* what she’s saying.
It’s hard. I want to trust. I want to just say things. I’m the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeve and I don’t see the point in lying about stuff. But I’m holding myself back. I don’t know why, but I am. In supervisions, I do actually tell her that I don’t trust her yet. What’s the point in lying about it? I brought up that I knew she had friends in the team and I didn’t trust her to keep things confidential. I’m not nasty about anything. I’m just honest.
And I fear I have lost the thread of what I was saying now. I do feel quite inadequate beside her. Especially in front of the volunteers as I feel she makes me look disorganized! To me, her presence seems to show up my lack of confidence and organization. The monthly agent meetings are now much better and more structured than they have been.
Anyway. Something to think about maybe. Do you have any advice for me on trusting Tea? What would you do? It’s proving more and more difficult to keep a ‘manager / employee’ distance for me..