Hello *waves*. I’m still here.
I have been trying to make sure I get out of the house at least once every day. Whether that’s for a paper or a bar or chocolate or just a short walk. I went for a short walk yesterday trying to find some Frosted Shreddies as we had run out. I was tempted to walk into town, but was so exhausted after only 5 minutes that I headed back home. More practice needed.
So I’m surviving, but this awful, heavy feeling of depression is still here. I’m having nightmares again, not caring about myself and just generally feeling really really down. It’s so hard to keep on going when this awful, heavy, black feeling is just weighing me down. I’m not looking for pity – I’m trying to deal with it, but I’m not doing so well. I’m looking for a course or activity to do, but as I generally have no interest in ANYTHING at the moment, that’s proving difficult. I don’t want to commit to something unless I really want to do it.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday. It was good to be able to talk. There were the inevitable tears. But she has done my job and she knows exactly what I’m talking about when I try to work out how to go back and how to deal with things. She made me feel a bit better about things yesterday. I think it’s sensible to make sure I’m better before going back, so that I can cope and don’t end up being off work again. Like both she and Kate said – I have an illness, and if it was any other type of illness, people would understand. If I had cancer, then people would understand that I wouldn’t know how I was feeling from one day to the next. THey would accept that I have to deal with it in my own way. But it’s not so socially acceptable to say that I have a bit of a ‘broken brain’ at the moment. And that’s hard. Not being able to just say ‘I had mental health issues’. Because that immediately reduces my credibility in the office and the environment I work in.
And I’m so tetchy all the time. Poor K had had to put up with a lot. And things aren’t much fun for her at the moment. I’m constantly worried that she’s going to leave me. I would understand if she did – why would anyone want to stay? I did this to myself. I took myself off the pills and so I caused this ‘broken brain’.
I don’t know. I’m just sitting here, in the living room, on my laptop, crying. I’m still holding it all in because I’m trying to keep myself together, to be well enough to go back to work on Monday. But I don’t know. I’m not really sure of anything any more.