Well, I seem to be having a bit of a down time lately. I’m miserable, fed up and crying all the time. I’m finding it difficult to keep myself together a lot of the time. *sigh*
I *know* that it’s probably just a blip. I know that, because of the way I’m feeling, I’m probably not thinking straight. I know that things aren’t *really* as bad as I feel at the moment. But depression doesn’t listen to reason. IT doesn’t listen to logic. And it’s back. Again. Maybe just temporarily. But it’s definitely back.
I think it’s a combination of things all coming together that have made me feel really fed up and just really down. It’s my 30th birthday soon, and I think that maybe that is weighing on my mind. It’s a ‘special’ birthday. But the idea of a party, get together or anything is just too stressful to think about. I’ve left it all up to K, so that I’m not totally disappointed when nobody turns up (again). I’m having an afternoon party as there’s a big club night on that night. I don’t want anyone staying over and being there on the morning of my birthday, so that reduces the list of guests to invite. I just want it to be me, K and the doggies on my birthday. Nobody else. But it might seem rude saying to people ‘no, you can’t stay over because I don’t want you here’. Ho hum.
I’m also still waiting for the results of my sleep test. We have tried to call and see if there’s anything they can tell me over the phone, but there’s only ever an answering machine. If it’s not sleep apnea, then I need to get going on trying to find another solution to why I’m so tired all the time. And I am really really tired. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of being tired. That excuse gets lame after a while, but it’s just the truth. I am KNACKERED!
Also, work is really stressing me out. Maybe it’s just because I’m down, or maybe it’s not, but I feel like I’m just not getting anywhere. No matter what I do, it’s not enough. I sent an email today to someone to chase up a document. I copied my boss into it as a courtesy (and to show him I’d done it). He then said to me to make sure that I chase that person up. Erm.. Isn’t that what I just did??? Then, a couple of weeks ago, he asked me to send an email to some bigwig’s P.A to invite them to a meeting. He didn’t know the name of the P.A., so said he would get it for me. Today, he asks if I’ve sent an email to this P.A. I check my emails and then remember that he hadn’t given me her name to send the email to. So he acts like I should have sent this email ages ago and tells me to apologize for the delay in sending the invite. Why is it MY fault that he didn’t give me the name of the person to send the email to??
Also – the last straw was that I booked my annual leave to cover my birthday. I booked around 10 days off. Then last week I get an email (sent to a number of people) saying that he’s off on annual leave AT THE SAME TIME AS ME!!! There are only 2 of us in this project. And if we’re both off, then my agents aren’t supported AT ALL for that time. (He doesn’t care about his agents). It looks unproffessional to both take leave at the same time. It’s downright stupid.
Anyway. I just kinda lost it after that, and don’t want to speak to him. It’s really hard to be polite. Today, I just had to sit there not talking to anyone, because if I’d started talking to anyone I would have ended up crying. Not good!
And then last night, I got REALLY cheesed off. K and I were standing outside Pizza Hut waiting for our (ridiculously expensive) pizzas. I saw a drunk man approach my car and he looked dodgy. He stopped at my car. And he PISSED ON MY CAR!!! I started at him, and he started throwing insults our way – singing “I like big butts and I cannot lie”. How original…
It just gave me the feeling, once again, of being picked on. Of being a teenager at school and being laughed at and pushed around because I didn’t have any friends or because I was last in the dinner queue (after everyone else had pushed in). Of being at university and being shouted and jeered at by local drunken lads because I have big boobs. Of being excluded from work friendship circles, being left behind, drunk and alone after my leaving drinks, or that familiar feeling of being told that the last person who hadn’t cancelled, is now not coming for a drink to celebrate my birthday.
I wanted to fight back. I wanted to punch him. To take out all of those years of being bullied. On. His. Face. To punch him unconscious, smash all his bottles of alcohol and leave him bleeding in the street.
But in the end, I’m sensible. I thought of my job and how a conviction for Assault or GBH would effectively get me sacked. And once again, I backed down and walked away.
Being sensible sucks sometimes.