Lazy Cow

The sea under a dark cloud
I had a really sh*t day yesterday. For most of the day I was crying intermittently. Not good.

Firstly, I got my letter from the sleep clinic.

“I am pleased to report that it doesn’t show any evidence of significant obstruction to your airway although there are the odd episodes of restriction of breathing but these are not to any worrying degree. Having read your notes I was slightly surprised but pleased to see this.”

8 weeks. 8 weeks I waited for that one paragraph. Bummer. So. I am, officially, just a lazy cow then. If it’s not apnea, it’s not blood-sugar related, it’s not liver function, it’s not anemia, it’s not my thyroid, then I’m stuck as to why I’m so bloody tired all the time! The thing is though, K has heard me sleeping. She has recorded me stopping breathing and waking up gasping for air. How can that NOT be significant??? Last week was SO difficult – I was SO tired. It felt like I’d been up all night and had gone to work without going to be first. But I got through it. And then I got that letter. Yes, it’s good that they don’t think I have apnea. But that means I’m back to square one trying to figure this out. I cried for hours after getting the letter. I just felt so trapped. That result, to me, means I’m stuck in my current job, stuck with needing to sleep most of the weekend away, stuck with not having the energy for exercise, stuck to being so bloody tired.

Apnea would have explained so much. The reason why I’m so depressed at the moment. The reason I’m so tired. The reason I keep crying and why I’m in such a bad mood. My sore throats and headaches. How I can’t seem to think straight most of the time and I keep forgetting things. Maybe even why my stomach is so dodgy a lot of the time. And if it was apnea, then there’s something that could have been done about it. Not a cure – but a treatment. So I was very disheartened yesterday.

Then, as I was driving the dogs to the woods for a walk, some stupid driver pulled out into my right of way. (there were cars parked on his side of the road). We subsequently got stuck and I couldn’t reverse because there was a car behind me. I had to mount the pavement to get past. And, originally enough, he called me a ‘fatty’ as he went past. Not in the best of moods, I replied with a ‘prick’ once he’d gone past and then just cried.

I spent the walk not talking to K or the dogs really, and just trying to figure out a way forward. I have decided that somehow, I’ll get a copy of my sleep study report and have a look at it myself. If needs be, I’ll get a second opinion and go for another sleep study. If I have to, I’ll go private and pay for it myself. I DO NOT believe that there’s nothing wrong with my sleeping. Maybe I’m just not stopping breathing for the requisite 10seconds or something. I don’t know. But I’m sure I can do a ‘Data subject access request’ (WARNING – PDF FILE) to get a copy of my report. I’ll see what I can get hold of.

As for the stupid driver.. Well, I’ll just have to put up with that for the foreseeable future I think. I need to get a thicker skin, I know, else I’ll just end up crying whenever someone calls me fat. Which seems to be quite often nowadays. I don’t know why I’m so sensitive. Maybe it’s because it’s the summer. I always HATED the summer holidays. I much preferred to be at school. I dreaded Easter, Summer, Half-Term. Maybe it’s Seasonal Affective Disorder, only I get depressed in the summer. Meh. Who knows?

Though I have my party tomorrow. K has been very busy organizing party games, themed party bowls and cups, etc. We built the Argos barbecue today and got most of the party food and drink (soft drinks only) delivered from Tesco today. Still loads to do tomorrow – jacket potatoes, potato salad, make ice, have a shower, take dogs out, pick up the bread ordered at the bakers and get more barbecue charcoal. And the party starts at 1!

I’m not sure what’s planned for Sunday, which is my actual birthday. That’s in K’s hands. 30. I’ll be 30. It feels a bit weird really. But at least I’m not a smoker at 30. I gave up over a year ago now.. Though yesterday I REALLY fancied a fag.

Anyway. It’s past my bedtime. Gotta dash!

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2 Responses to Lazy Cow

  1. me says:

    you mayhave ME/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

  2. lemonpillows says:

    Yes, that is something that the Doctor is looking into.

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