It’s the not knowing that’s the killer…

I’ve been looking for someone. And I’ve been looking for a few years now. I’ve tried Google. I’ve tried Facebook. I’ve tried many other sites, but she seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth.

I don’t necessarily want to be back in contact though. I just want to know that she’s ok. That she’s still alive and still out there somewhere. Living. And happy / content.

We broke up 5 years ago now. At first, everything was fine and we remained friends. But I needed time apart, with no contact, because I still loved her. And it was killing me still seeing her. And seeing her with someone else. I tried to be reasonable, but I just got to a point where I couldn’t any more. And then she moved away and I never saw her again.

And I never got that ‘closure’. I never got to say the things I wanted to say. I never got to ask the questions I wanted to ask. I never got to say ‘I’m sorry’.

Every few days, I wonder where she is. What she’s doing. I found her on Friends Reunited a while back. I sent a message, but then, mysteriously, her profile disappeared. Did I upset her that much? Does she hate me that much that she’d delete her profile after receiving a message from me?

I have found her friends on Facebook, but it might seem a bit creepy me asking them how she is. They were never my friends.

But it keeps getting to me. I want to know. I don’t know what this knowledge will do for me if I *do* find out how she is and what she’s doing. Will that satisfy this curiosity? Or is there something else I want to know? I don’t even know why I want to know so much.

I suppose I shall go on wondering for a while longer…

This entry was posted in Blue, Friends, Mental health, wondering. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to It’s the not knowing that’s the killer…

  1. Spudgy says:

    Sometimes its better to just let the past go. Its always hard when your a ‘carer’. Has said person tried to find out if your ok……if the answers probably not then maybe that should be yours too.

    Hugs and stuff x

  2. I totally understand where you’re coming from on this, but I wonder what you would gain from those answers – or might it just bring you more heartache?

    Pretty much anyone is possible to trace without too much difficulty, but if you did track her down, might she be a bit disconcerted by the amount of effort you went to in order to find her? What if she just out and out rejects you?

    I am not trying to tell you what to do and I would be a huge hypocrite if I told you just to walk away. I know that the unanswered questions can haunt you. But make sure that you take care of yourself in this and don’t set yourself up for unnecessary hurt.

  3. lemonpillows says:

    Yeah.. Two very good points. I’m not really sure *what* I want from her. Or why I want to know so much. Maybe I just want to take the opportunity to get angry. To say all of those things I was too scared too.

    Maybe I need to go find some cushions, pretend they are her, and shout at them instead.. (can you tell I’ve been through therapy??)

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