Well, how to put it? I’m not doing so well recently. I’m still crying at the drop of a hat. I’m still extremely paranoid. I’m still freaking out over illogical things. (like not bringing a pair of trousers into the flat as they may ‘contaminate’ it). And I can’t seem to cope with the slightest hiccup.
Today, my phone line is dead, the internet connection is slow and keeps dropping and my sky+ box has just broken again. (I think it’s dying to be honest). I was working late, so have only just had dinner and haven’t had time to tidy up, so the place is a mess (my mess).
I want to cry now. But I’m always crying recently. Most of the time I don’t even know what I’m crying about. I cry if I’m hungry. I cry if I’m cold. I cry if I’m tired. I cry if I’m pissed off. I cry if I feel like I’m getting on someone’s nerves. I cry if I don’t get a joke. I cry if I get off the phone and feel stupid for what I said. And I get really pissed off really easily. Which makes me cry more.
I really don’t know what’s happening to me. It’s like having permanent PMT. And it’s been going on for WEEKS now. I don’t think I have SAD. I *LIKE* this time of year.
It’s just so confusing. And I’m so fed up of it. I’m sure K is fed up of it too. She has to put up with me crying every day. And she’s walking on eggshells because I’m so paranoid and because I get upset at the slightest thing. I just can’t be bothered with anything at the minute. I’m managing to keep myself going, but I don’t want to be in work, I don’t want to do anything productive. I just want to sleep until it all goes away…
And I had been doing so well for so long too. The longest period out of a depression since I was first diagnosed. (16 years ago). So I’m not feeling very positive at the moment..
Maybe I should take the day off work and go to see Amma