Here we go again..

Well, how to put it? I’m not doing so well recently. I’m still crying at the drop of a hat. I’m still extremely paranoid. I’m still freaking out over illogical things. (like not bringing a pair of trousers into the flat as they may ‘contaminate’ it). And I can’t seem to cope with the slightest hiccup.

Today, my phone line is dead, the internet connection is slow and keeps dropping and my sky+ box has just broken again. (I think it’s dying to be honest). I was working late, so have only just had dinner and haven’t had time to tidy up, so the place is a mess (my mess).

I want to cry now. But I’m always crying recently. Most of the time I don’t even know what I’m crying about. I cry if I’m hungry. I cry if I’m cold. I cry if I’m tired. I cry if I’m pissed off. I cry if I feel like I’m getting on someone’s nerves. I cry if I don’t get a joke. I cry if I get off the phone and feel stupid for what I said. And I get really pissed off really easily. Which makes me cry more.

I really don’t know what’s happening to me. It’s like having permanent PMT. And it’s been going on for WEEKS now. I don’t think I have SAD. I *LIKE* this time of year.

It’s just so confusing. And I’m so fed up of it. I’m sure K is fed up of it too. She has to put up with me crying every day. And she’s walking on eggshells because I’m so paranoid and because I get upset at the slightest thing. I just can’t be bothered with anything at the minute. I’m managing to keep myself going, but I don’t want to be in work, I don’t want to do anything productive. I just want to sleep until it all goes away…

And I had been doing so well for so long too. The longest period out of a depression since I was first diagnosed. (16 years ago). So I’m not feeling very positive at the moment..

Maybe I should take the day off work and go to see Amma

This entry was posted in Blue, Mental health, Wierd, wondering. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Here we go again..

  1. I’m no expert but it does sound like some sort of depression. I don’t think it always has to have a specific cause such as the weather.

    Maybe it’s just been a long year and some of those things that have been a bit difficult at times e.g. work, have caught up with you a bit.

    A couple of thoughts come to mind though. I don’t mean this in a rude way at all, but in some ways the way you are reacting to things by crying is a bit like what children do. As adults we’re not allowed to cry at things. If you drop something on your foot or someone shouts at you you’re meant to just ‘take it’ in an adult way. Perhaps you’re just feeling those things that others cover up instead.

    The other thing is that we have a range of emotions apart from being upset or crying about things. If someone shouts at you then you might actually feel angry but because you don’t feel able to be angry in return, you get upset. If you don’t get a joke maybe you feel a bit confused and embarassed, but because perhaps you can’t say that then you get upset.

    Maybe when you start to cry about things you could take a few moments to think about what distresses you about that situation and pinpoint the real emotion, which is then more understandable and you know what you’re dealing with an what it is that has really got to you. It then also makes you more in control of your emotions rather than your emotions controlling you.

    A very long comment and I’m not even sure if I have explained it properly!

    I hope things pick up for you soon xx

  2. mum says:

    sounds like you are so used to having something to worry about, and now you dont, you are lost…………………….releasing all that pent up stress……………xxxxx

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