Well. I haven’t written for a long time – again. I got a new car, which then refused to start. With the help of the man up the road and some hobby mechanics, we have managed to get it started again. It needs a service, which I will book it in for soon. I hope it’s just spark plugs and not fuel injection system. We’ll see.
But apart from that. It’s that time of year again. And I’m kinda falling apart. It would be Anthony’s birthday on Wednesday. He would have been 19. I’m supposed to be in London for a training course for 2 days. But to be honest, I don’t think I can cope. I’m crying at everything and keep falling to pieces. My stomach is constantly in pain and I’m rushing to the loo. And it’s all emotion related. I’d feel bad not going to the course as it’s one that would be useful, but I really don’t think I’d take anything in. I want Wednesday off to dwell and think. This time of the year is the ONLY time I allow myself to think of Anthony and remember what happened. If I didn’t allow myself this time, then I’d just end up thinking about it all the time and not being able to carry on with life. So I allow myself a week or two at this time of year- covering his birthday and the day he died – to think about it all and to cry. I know – it’s 5 years this year. But it still hurts.
It still hurts that I was awake and heard the phone call and I couldn’t help. I didn’t call back. I didn’t wonder. And Anthony paid the price. I know, logically, that there was nothing I could have done even if I *had* answered the phone. But it still hurts that the one time he really needed me – the one time he called out for help – I wasn’t there.
So recently, I’ve been feeling kinda shitty. Hence no updates. I smoked three cigarettes a week or two ago. Not all in one day. But I do keep wanting to smoke. I still want to punish myself. As if I don’t deserve to be a non-smoker. I want the pain that I can get from breathing in the noxious smoke. I want the pain of tight lung and chest afterwards. I want to disgust myself at how awful I smell. I want the comfort that smoking gave me. That full feeling inside. Like having a hug inside my guts. But 3 cigarettes in what.. 10 weeks? (I don’t remember) isn’t bad.
I need to go and get some food. And something to drink. I should shower and wash my hair before work tomorrow. But I’m so down I really can’t be bothered to either eat or shower.
I’m sure I’ll update again soon.. I just need to get past the next week or two..