At the minute, I just want to cry.
I’ve spent the last few hours at work doing absolutely nothing. Browsing the internet and thinking. I answered one phone call as the admin lady has gone home. At 4pm there were 3 of us left in the whole office. I think I’m missing something, as everyone else seems to have disappeared off earlier.
I can hear the wind blowing things around outside. What sounds like an empty soup can rattling across the floor. (and I’ve just answered the phone again and cut someone off… ) I’m so not ‘with it’ at the moment. I’m not sleeping very well. I keep waking up. So I’m tired every day. I’m back to sleeping lots on a weekend.
I keep forgetting things. I waited for 15mins outside the wrong cafe this lunchtime. I was meant to be meeting a friend, but got the wrong place. She called me and we did manage to meet up eventually. I’m so dumb. I keep forgetting to do things. Forgetting to post things. Everything’s just a bit overwhelming at the moment. The car, my job, everything.
I talked to my friend this lunchtime. She used to do my job, so she knows exactly where I’m coming from. But as she said, unless you do the hours and don’t have a life, then the job doesn’t get done. I don’t get paid enough for that. But it’s true. I don’t do as many hours as she used to do, and consequently I’m always behind with things and don’t have enough time to do everything I’m supposed to. I know, I need to speak to my manager. But I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to him unless I know where I could actually do with help. And that’s difficult. Because by the time you explain to someone how to do something and how the database works etc, then it would have been quicker to do the whole thing yourself!
Anyway. I’m just having a moan. I’m looking around for a car, but not seen anything yet. I’m a bit scared to be honest. I don’t want to end up with something that’s going to fall apart after a few months. I can’t get finance on a car because, as part of my agreement to pay off my debts, I agreed not to get any further credit. I could get a ‘car loan’ from work – which I would pay back through my wages. However, there is still interest on that, and I would have to pay out for an independent check of the vehicle. And I can’t really afford too much every month because of my agreement to pay off debts.
Aaaargh!! It’s all so complicated! I’ll have to sit down and write things out and write a ‘to do’ list and get everything done that way. Otherwise I won’t do anything!
I’m off to find some cake.. I SO want a cigarette..