I’m sitting on my balcony listening to the rain hitting the trees, and the sound of wet tyres rubbing against the road. The birds are singing in the trees opposite and at the moment I feel quite content and relaxed. I could sit here for hours if my back could take the weight and my bum could take the cold of the step.
But I haven’t been this content for the whole day. I’m tired. Really tired. I got a call out for my voluntary work last night and didn’t get back until quarter to midnight. And it was a tricky case that brought back some difficult emotions and left me a little empty. Remembering not to get involved when its ur job to look after someone’s welfare is not that easy. So today I’ve been a little out of sorts..
When I get tired I get paranoid and jumpy. I spent the whole day holding myself back from shouting at random people on the street because I thought they were staring at me. And it got me thinking.. About how much there is going round in my head on one of my bad days. And nobody can tell. Nobody can see it. I hold it inside so well. I don’t purposely hold it all in. I just don’t seem able to express it. Sometimes I’m screaming on the inside, expending all I have to stop myself crying because I’m afraid I won’t stop. And I’m pleading for someone to notice. But nobody does. Because I hide it so well.
I have a problem trusting people. And I have a problem believing that anyone would actually care enough to listen to me whinge. That I’m actually worth listening to. And I know I’m tired and I’ve just had a bad day, but I’d like it, one day, if I could have a bad day where I was just plain old pissed off! I’m sure I’ll get there one day, but for now..I’ll carry on digging my nails into my palm to stop me attacking random strangers for looking my way..