Honesty

Sometimes, it may not be the best policy.
I was honest last night. I don’t think I phrased things very well. And I fear I hurt someone I care about very much. I tried to not say anything. I tried to lie. But then that just makes things build up. I avoid being honest because I don’t want to hurt people, but then it just builds up and now I’ve ended up hurting someone anyway.
**sigh**
She’s better off without me around anyway. I have lost a good friend because I’m an idiot at times. I have been a nightmare to be around for the past three weeks, and I don’t blame anyone for getting frustrated and fed up with it all. It’s a lot for anyone to cope with. I don’t have a choice in the matter. Others do.
I try to push people away because I know how frustrating and hurtful it is trying to stand by someone with depression. I can see how hard I am to deal with. I can see how confusing, bewildering it is for people. I am a different person when I am depressed. This is not me, and I don’t want to put anyone through that.
It’s better if they just walk away. Then I won’t bring them down. I won’t cause anyone any more hurt.
I’ll wait until this is over, then I’ll come back out of hiding again.
You would not recognise me – the joker, talkative, fun, spontaneous, creative. One day, if you will give me the chance, I would like to show you who I really am. Without this damned depression hanging over me.
But I don’t know if I’ve completely blown it this time.
I’m sorry.
You know who you are.
xxx